Family
My girls are the same age right now that my sister and I were when my mom left us (and my dad) in North Idaho and moved half way across the country to Missouri.
Are there girls on the team that my daughter probably wouldn’t have become friends with outside of volleyball? Absolutely! Are there families with different political beliefs, different opinions on masks and vaccinations, different religions and socio-economic status.. most definitely!
But the fact that they are family means they put those things aside and love and support each other regardless.
Families aren’t always going to agree. They aren't going to get along all the time. That’s life. I know so many friends who have family dynamics WAY worse than mine. Yet they still gather for birthdays and holidays. They still love and support each other and pursue relationship even if it’s not always perfect, or even pleasant.
My family has not celebrated Christmas together since 2012. I’ve barely even spoken to my mom in the last 4 years. She has declined several invitations over the past few years to work through our issues with a therapist present. She has specifically asked if we could forget about the “problems” and just enjoy each other’s company. The thing is, I don’t enjoy her company. Her actions, words and behavior are triggering and painful to me, and just downright rude and inconsiderate on some occasions.
Apart from my mom, I would like to look at the family dynamic between my dad, my sister and myself. When my mom left, my sister and I both lived with my dad for about a year before I decided to also move to Missouri to live with my mom. My little sister and I never did get along very well growing up; I feel like our parents pitted us against each other rather than encouraging kindness, forgiveness, and friendship.
I know I’ve said it before, but again, I apologize for being such a mean sister. I don’t know why I was that way, I’m not proud of how I behaved, but I also can’t go back and change the past. I have learned that my actions and behavior came from a place of deep hurt, neglect, and possibly abuse, during my very early childhood years. My words and actions were never indicative of how I truly felt, I just didn’t have the proper role models and teaching that I strive to instill in my own children.
The last time my dad, sister and I stayed together over the holidays was Christmas of 2012. My dad had bought a couple nights stay at Schweitzer Ski Resort and my sister and I ended up getting into a very explosive argument. My dad was involved. Her husband stepped in. The kids witnessed the yelling and the tears. It wasn’t fun. I don’t know if we ever really talked about that afterwards, but we haven’t gotten together for holidays since then.
I realize now how explosive my behavior could become in the past when I would begin feeling hurt, unloved, or abandoned. Those were all huge triggers to me, and during that time in my life, I felt like I was making huge efforts to try to bring our family together, yet it seemed to regularly be met with my sister wanting to leave early or not be a part of things at all. I deeply regret that my lack of emotional control has pushed people away so much in the past and I apologize to everyone who has felt hurt by me.
Me and my kids still kept coming to visit my dad, but the cousins (my kids and my sisters) rarely saw each other or spent time together. I think we came to Idaho every Christmas for quite a few years in a row. We wanted there to be room for us all to gather on the property comfortably and to provide opportunities for our kids to spend time with each other and with grandpa.
We (Rob and I) tried to make that happen by investing our own time and energy into the property, but still after all these years, it feels like we don’t all share the desire to be together (those are my feelings and interpretations but I will hold this out to them to express their own feelings, desires, and wishes if my interpretations aren’t accurate.)
All differences aside, it hurts that my dad doesn’t seem to find it a priority to make a space for us all to gather comfortably on his 27 acres of property in North Idaho.
It also hurts that after all these years (and therapy, maturing, and growth) my sister still doesn’t seem able or willing to give me another chance to gather as a family without the fear of fighting and Jerry Springer style drama.
As a mother of kids who are almost exactly the same age that my little sis and I were when our mom left, I am finally realizing that my mother most likely suffered (and probably still suffers) from mental illness.
Through therapy, and my therapist meeting with me and my mother in person, we are fairly certain that she has borderline personality disorder. Since I lived with her during my formative teenage years, I think her mental illness had more of an effect on me than it did on my sister, although I realize she had her own set of hurdles being raised by a single dad, and probably feeling abandoned and unloved by our mom.
My own daughter longs for a big family. She’s expressed sadness on multiple occasions about not seeing her grandpa often, and hardly having any cousins, at least ones that she gets to spend time with.
It is my desire, and I think I can speak for my children as well, to have a relationship with our biological family. We would love to gather as a group once or twice a year - maybe even more in the future - to celebrate holidays, and build (back) relationship.
Probably until my mid-30’s, I believed that I was the problem in my family. I was the bad kid, the troublemaker, the mean one, the screw up, the reason my mom left, the reason my dad didn’t want me, the reason our family didn’t work out… a disappointment and a failure.
I mean, if your own mother doesn’t want you, that does some serious psychological damage that I’ve had to work through since becoming aware of it as an adult.
I’ve been contemplating “family” a lot lately. My oldest daughter just joined a new volleyball team and the coach teaches them that they are family. What does that mean for them?
They encourage each other and build each-other up.
They support each other.
They have confidence in each other.
They know that they are better together than any of them could be individually on their own.
They go out of their way to verbally complement each other.
They plan activities outside of practice so they can bond more as a team/family.
They have each others backs.
They encourage each other and build each-other up.
They support each other.
They have confidence in each other.
They know that they are better together than any of them could be individually on their own.
They go out of their way to verbally complement each other.
They plan activities outside of practice so they can bond more as a team/family.
They have each others backs.
They care about each other.
They belong.
Are there girls on the team that my daughter probably wouldn’t have become friends with outside of volleyball? Absolutely! Are there families with different political beliefs, different opinions on masks and vaccinations, different religions and socio-economic status.. most definitely!
But the fact that they are family means they put those things aside and love and support each other regardless.
Families aren’t always going to agree. They aren't going to get along all the time. That’s life. I know so many friends who have family dynamics WAY worse than mine. Yet they still gather for birthdays and holidays. They still love and support each other and pursue relationship even if it’s not always perfect, or even pleasant.
My family has not celebrated Christmas together since 2012. I’ve barely even spoken to my mom in the last 4 years. She has declined several invitations over the past few years to work through our issues with a therapist present. She has specifically asked if we could forget about the “problems” and just enjoy each other’s company. The thing is, I don’t enjoy her company. Her actions, words and behavior are triggering and painful to me, and just downright rude and inconsiderate on some occasions.
At this time, she is not willing to hear my feelings and work towards some common ground with a professional to guide us. I can’t just “pretend” that everything is okay. Maybe it would be okay for a gathering or two, until she made another inappropriate remark or hurtful gesture. Then we’d be right back where we were 4 years ago in Mexico, where I couldn’t express my feelings, or even my daughters feelings to her without her becoming defensive, attacking, blaming, and playing the victim.
I’m not trying to bash my mom here by any means, I just felt the need to share that I have made an effort to have a relationship with her, and have come to understand that her inability to engage with me is just further evidence of the mental illness that I (and my therapist) suspect she suffers with.
Apart from my mom, I would like to look at the family dynamic between my dad, my sister and myself. When my mom left, my sister and I both lived with my dad for about a year before I decided to also move to Missouri to live with my mom. My little sister and I never did get along very well growing up; I feel like our parents pitted us against each other rather than encouraging kindness, forgiveness, and friendship.
I know I’ve said it before, but again, I apologize for being such a mean sister. I don’t know why I was that way, I’m not proud of how I behaved, but I also can’t go back and change the past. I have learned that my actions and behavior came from a place of deep hurt, neglect, and possibly abuse, during my very early childhood years. My words and actions were never indicative of how I truly felt, I just didn’t have the proper role models and teaching that I strive to instill in my own children.
Watching my girls’ relationship with each other as they bond and grow as friends warms my heart, but also brings sadness for what my sister and I missed out on growing up. When I see other adult sisters who still consider each other best friends, I wonder what was different in their family.
The last time my dad, sister and I stayed together over the holidays was Christmas of 2012. My dad had bought a couple nights stay at Schweitzer Ski Resort and my sister and I ended up getting into a very explosive argument. My dad was involved. Her husband stepped in. The kids witnessed the yelling and the tears. It wasn’t fun. I don’t know if we ever really talked about that afterwards, but we haven’t gotten together for holidays since then.
Since about 2015, before we went to Mexico, I’ve tried to coordinate holiday gatherings. We even went as far as putting about 10k into fixing up a structure on my dads property so there would be room for both our families to visit my dad at the same time. But last year, my dad told me that my sister still didn’t want to come visit him if I was going to be there. That was hard to hear. My Christian sister who preaches grace and forgiveness still doesn't want to spend time with me because of something that happened almost a decade ago.
I realize now how explosive my behavior could become in the past when I would begin feeling hurt, unloved, or abandoned. Those were all huge triggers to me, and during that time in my life, I felt like I was making huge efforts to try to bring our family together, yet it seemed to regularly be met with my sister wanting to leave early or not be a part of things at all. I deeply regret that my lack of emotional control has pushed people away so much in the past and I apologize to everyone who has felt hurt by me.
Me and my kids still kept coming to visit my dad, but the cousins (my kids and my sisters) rarely saw each other or spent time together. I think we came to Idaho every Christmas for quite a few years in a row. We wanted there to be room for us all to gather on the property comfortably and to provide opportunities for our kids to spend time with each other and with grandpa.
We (Rob and I) tried to make that happen by investing our own time and energy into the property, but still after all these years, it feels like we don’t all share the desire to be together (those are my feelings and interpretations but I will hold this out to them to express their own feelings, desires, and wishes if my interpretations aren’t accurate.)
All differences aside, it hurts that my dad doesn’t seem to find it a priority to make a space for us all to gather comfortably on his 27 acres of property in North Idaho.
It also hurts that after all these years (and therapy, maturing, and growth) my sister still doesn’t seem able or willing to give me another chance to gather as a family without the fear of fighting and Jerry Springer style drama.
The thing is, I don’t think we would have Jerry Springer drama, if I didn’t have a Jerry Springer upbringing. I’m not making excuses for my behavior, I realize that it was wrong, but I also realize that I really had no control over my actions and reactions due to the trauma that occurred in my past. In times of extreme emotion, my brain would honestly flip a switch, and I would say and do things that I completely regretted later but could not stop in the moment.
My dad keeps talking about wanting a new dynamic within our family. I’m not exactly sure what he’s looking for, but for too long, I’ve taken the responsibility and blame for our family dysfunction. I now realize how codependent that was of me, and my therapist has helped me recognize that I’m not crazy and I am not to blame for our broken family.
My dad keeps talking about wanting a new dynamic within our family. I’m not exactly sure what he’s looking for, but for too long, I’ve taken the responsibility and blame for our family dysfunction. I now realize how codependent that was of me, and my therapist has helped me recognize that I’m not crazy and I am not to blame for our broken family.
My mom and dad made choices when they separated that have impacted their lives and ours. I don’t say that to place blame on them. I forgive them for the mistakes they made and I know they did the best they could.
As a mother of kids who are almost exactly the same age that my little sis and I were when our mom left, I am finally realizing that my mother most likely suffered (and probably still suffers) from mental illness.
Through therapy, and my therapist meeting with me and my mother in person, we are fairly certain that she has borderline personality disorder. Since I lived with her during my formative teenage years, I think her mental illness had more of an effect on me than it did on my sister, although I realize she had her own set of hurdles being raised by a single dad, and probably feeling abandoned and unloved by our mom.
If you only knew the hours upon hours of therapy, and work, and journaling, and podcasts, and reading, and prayer, that have gone into overcoming the things that were ingrained in my brain because of the mental illness, and the abuse and neglect that occurred as a child and adolescent.
I am doing the very best I know how. There is no doubt in my mind about that. Yet still my own family, my biological father and sister don’t seem to want to spend time with me and my family.
My own daughter longs for a big family. She’s expressed sadness on multiple occasions about not seeing her grandpa often, and hardly having any cousins, at least ones that she gets to spend time with.
I tried inviting them to a neutral location for Christmas. It was my daughters idea actually, to use the money that my dad sent us to rent a house in the snow somewhere. They both declined.
I don’t have a big enough house to host everyone, but I did invite my dad to come over and visit, and he also declined that invitation.
I would love it if we could all come to Idaho at the same time, play in the snow, see grandpa, and let the cousins spend time together. But there has been no invitation to come to Idaho over Christmas break even though my dad has expressed feelings of loneliness on a few different occasions this past year. (Also, practically speaking, there just isn't enough beds for all of us - but we'd be willing to get a hotel or rent an airbnb if it meant we could all spend time together.)
I wish I could promise that I would never get angry, never speak in a harsh tone of voice, never disagree with your opinion again, but that’s not practical. What I can promise is that I am doing my best to act in a mature, kind, and appropriate way, in a way that I am proud to have my kids witness. And behind the scenes, I do EMDR therapy at least once a month to process the trauma from my past and desensitize the heightened emotional responses that have plagued my adolescent and adult life for too long. (If you've never heard of EMDR therapy and you feel like you have unprocessed trauma in your life, I highly recommend looking into it. And if you have questions and feel comfortable, please feel free to reach out - I'd love to share more about it with you if you are interested.)
It is my desire, and I think I can speak for my children as well, to have a relationship with our biological family. We would love to gather as a group once or twice a year - maybe even more in the future - to celebrate holidays, and build (back) relationship.
To me, family is belonging. Family is feeling unconditionally loved and supported. I'm so thankful for Jesus, and to be a part of God's family, with many brothers and sisters in Christ who I know love and support me no matter what - even if they aren't biologically related to me.
I'm reading Brene Brown's book, The Gifts of Imperfection and I'll leave you with this excerpt:
A deep sense of love and belonging is a irreducible human need from the moment we are born until the day that we die. We are biologically, cognitively, physically and spiritually wired to love, to be loved and to belong. When those needs are not met we don’t function as we are meant to. We break, we fall apart, we numb, we ache, we hurt others, we get sick. There are certainly other causes of illness, numbing, and hurt but the absence of love and belonging will always lead to suffering.
My prayer and my hope is to someday be fully loved, accepted, and forgiven by my biological family - but a huge revelation that I've had over the last year or so is that I can't "make" that happen. All I can do is work on myself, work on being the best version of me that I can be, and to care for and nurture my own children in a way that fosters that sense of unconditional love and belonging that my own upbringing lacked.
*This was originally published in December of 2021 but my dad asked me to take at down. He has just recently given me permission to repost.
*This was originally published in December of 2021 but my dad asked me to take at down. He has just recently given me permission to repost.
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