Boundaries are okay

I have had such a struggle with my family over the years, and talking about it has helped me. I’m hoping that sharing my experience can help some of you as well.

I just want to start by saying that it’s OK to have boundaries with your family. It’s OK to have boundaries with anyone, but sometimes with family it can be the most difficult.

If having a relationship with someone is unhealthy, it’s OK to choose not to spend time with that person. Just because someone loves you doesn’t mean you have to allow them in your life and it definitely doesn’t mean you have to allow them to treat you in a way that isn’t healthy.

Most abuse happens in homes where I’m sure people would say that they love each other very much. Loving someone doesn’t mean that you will always treat them well. If there are people in your family that have been abusive, neglectful, or dismissive to you, it’s OK for you to choose not to have a relationship with those people, especially if they aren’t willing to make an effort to get help, accept responsibility, and try to change.

I believe my mom has borderline personality disorder. I was finally brave enough to share about that over the summer. You can read that post here.

6 years ago I invited my mom to one of my therapy sessions. She came “to help me” but took no responsibility for any part of our unhealthy relationship during the session. My therapist later described her as “consistently disassociating”. She changed the subject a lot, wouldn’t answer questions directly and just generally deflected all responsibility away from herself. After that session, I told my mom that it wouldn’t be possible to fix (or even work on) our relationship if she wasn’t willing to work on her part and take some responsibility for her own actions and behavior. For the better part of 30 years I had tried to fix things and nothing worked. That’s because there were unhealthy patterns and traumas from the past built-in that affected both of us, so no matter how much work I did on myself, it was never going to fix the relationship or the dynamic between the two of us, unless she too was willing to go inward, desire healing, and do the work (because it is work, that’s for sure!)

To my knowledge, she hasn’t sought therapy on her own, and she definitely hasn’t invited me to be a part of her healing, so my life has gone on without her and that has been for the best. There was a grieving period, and it’s strange to grieve the loss of someone who is still alive, but I am so much happier and healthier with boundaries in place that keep her toxicity out of my life.

My dad, when he was still alive, had such a hard time with my decision. Even though he was divorced from my mom, he still felt the need to try to force that relationship on me at least once a year, despite me trying to explain to him that this was the healthiest decision for me personally, and that I wasn’t doing it to hurt or punish my mom. I was doing it because I need to do what’s best for me and my family, and after growing up in an abusive and mentally unstable home with her, and then having her continue those manipulative and unhealthy patterns into adulthood, I needed to distance myself from that in order to live my own healthy and productive life, find my own healing, and be the best mom I can be to my own children. My dad was willing to go to therapy with me during his last couple years of life, and we worked through a lot of of those issues, and I think we came to a point of understanding and respect of my decision. At least he stopped outwardly trying to push me together with her, and I think he was able to recognize some of his own unhealthy patterns with her over the years.

Now my sister seems to have taken over my dad‘s mantle, and tries to facilitate get-togethers that include both myself and my mom, even though I’ve also expressed to her many times that I have boundaries in place for a reason and it is in the best interest of my own mental health and the mental and emotional health of my family, that we continue to honor those boundaries. It’s just so frustrating to not have that honored, and to feel like I’m being looked down upon for what I know to be the healthiest choices for me and my family.

She seems to think that because my mom loves me and because it makes her sad that I don’t want to spend time with her, that means I should spend time with her even if that’s not what’s best for me. And that’s what I did for many years. And I think that’s what a lot of people do in this world we live in. And I think that’s why a lot of us are not healthy.

So this is me speaking up and saying it’s OK to have boundaries, it’s OK to stop having relationships with people in your life that are unhealthy. It’s probably not going to be easy. Especially if these people are your blood relatives, there’s guilt that inevitably comes with that decision. But if you’re feeling that way, I encourage you to seek therapy. It was so freeing to work with professionals that were there to help and support me and assure me that my decisions were OK and that I did not need to continue putting myself in unhealthy, hurtful, negative situations just to try to please others. And neither do you! Be strong. Do what’s best for you so that you can be the best version of yourself and you can show up for your family in ways that your parents didn’t show up for you. Together, we can make this world a better place.

And if you’re on the other side of this equation and someone has chosen not to have a relationship with you, I encourage you to also go inward. Seek healing. Get into therapy. Accept that you may have played a role in their trauma. Get help and work on yourself and when you get to a good space in your own healing, reach out and see if there might be a possibility for reconciliation.

Don’t do what my mom does. She seems to reach out every two or three years and pretend like nothing ever happened and nothing is wrong. Recently, she invited us over for Christmas dinner and that just feels super awkward to me. I don’t want to show up to my mother‘s house who I haven’t spoken to in six years. I think the kids would feel super awkward after all this time as well. When I put the boundaries in place, I told her I wasn’t keeping the grandkids from her and she was welcome to spend time with them, I just wasn’t willing to host (or hang out if the gathering was happening at her house). She has chosen not to see them over the years, so it would be uncomfortable for all of us regardless. 

Relationships are hard. Life is hard. Healing is hard. Boundaries are hard. It’s okay when things are hard. It’s okay to chose your own mental health over trying to make someone else happy. Are you struggling with boundaries in your own family? You are always welcome to reach out. I will be your sounding board and ally.