Does my mom have Borderline Personality Disorder

I wrote this post over five years ago. I'm finally feeling brave enough to share it. I believe there is power in knowing we are not alone. I felt very alone for a long time, ashamed of my feelings - which only made the feelings multiply. Without therapy, I might not have ever realized that my feelings were normal and they did not make me a bad person or an ungrateful daughter. My hope is that in sharing parts of my story publicly, I can help someone else feel not so alone; That by reading my story, someone else might find the freedom to seek therapy, to talk to a trusted person about their past, and to ultimately find the healing and forgiveness that I have found.

For years I struggled with immense guilt and shame over not wanting to have a relationship with my mother. I saw a therapist for almost 5 years – mostly to work through the issues surrounding my own divorce. However, my therapist suggested that I do some research on children raised by parents (specifically mothers) with Borderline Personality Disorder. The articles I read had so many similarities to my life, my upbringing, and the resulting feelings and characteristics that have plagued my life.

Here's what stood out to me:

It is almost unique to the child of a Borderline to feel a lack of attachment and lack of love for the parent while at the same time blaming themselves for feeling this way.

This aspect of the parent-child relationship, where the child lacks loving feelings toward the parent and feels guilty and shameful for doing so, is one of the hallmarks of the borderline parent-child relationship (From the Borderline Mother on Psychology Today.)

This particular article went on to talk about how the loathing of a parent usually requires a consistent pattern of neglect and abuse – after all, it goes against the natural instinct of humans (and other species) to love their mothers. Having parents that are alcoholics or are physically abusive can also cause children to loathe the parent, but the trait that is unique to having a Borderline parent is the guilt and shame by the child that accompanies it. This is due to the borderline parent portraying themselves as a good parent dealing with an ungrateful child.

This is precisely what my mother has done over the years. It really seems like she believes that she was a great parent, and that I was just a bad kid and that’s what caused all the problems. Even now, as I’ve established boundaries with her in adulthood, her attitude seems to be that I’m just trying to hurt her and she didn’t do anything wrong.

Here’s another quote from the article that really hit home for me:

Over time, this toxic pattern of exchanges causes the child to be increasingly guarded with his or her mother. They no longer seek the help of the parent because she is generally not helpful but rather causes more hurt in their efforts to respond. A normal person withdraws further and further from this persistent but disturbing relational style. At the same time the borderline parent, completely lacking insight, continues to act as though they are being loving and giving and expresses hurt and anger that the child does not seek out their company.
It is just all too familiar. If any of this is resonating with you, I highly recommend this book, and if you are able to seek therapy that is even better. I know it’s hard to get mental health appointments these days, and it can be an added expense in the budget, but it’s so worth it to find freedom and forgiveness for the years of self blame and self hatred. 
Not feeling love towards my mom had always been a source of guilt and shame for me. As I became an adult and began to see other healthy mother/daughter relationships, I questioned my feelings and my relationship with my mom, and of course blamed myself because that’s what I had been told and led to believe my whole life. I am the problem. I’m a bad daughter. I’m a bad person. 
But not anymore. Through years of therapy, EMDR, DBT, journaling, processing, and prayer, I am free from those negative thoughts and feelings about myself. I am not a bad person. I am not unlovable. I made poor choices as a child because I was lost, alone, and scared. I did not have the support of a loving mom or dad during my adolescent years, so I looked for that love, affection and belonging in the wrong places and with the wrong kind of people. I’m glad that is all behind me now.
Another excerpt from the book talks about moving on:

Perhaps the most difficult thing to accept is that one's own mother is not capable of insight and will never truly understand why her child avoids or sets boundaries with her. Sometimes confrontation and boundary setting may work, but be prepared for the "ungrateful" pushback; and be prepared to be triggered yourself. And, sometimes, cutting off entirely is the only choice. Borderlines don't tolerate the middle ground very well.
This has been my experience with my mom. I set boundaries a few years ago that she was just unable to accept and respect. She has chosen not to see the grandkids, seemingly out of spite for my decision not to spend time with her. It’s a sad situation, but it really has been for the best. I don’t think I could have found my healing with her still influencing my life. I still have hope that she will seek help and find her own healing, and I’m glad I have a better understanding of mental illness and it’s affects on kids.

If you are feeling unwell mentally, I encourage you to get help if you can. How we react and behave has a huge impact on our children. They learn how to manage their emotions by watching us. And if you are holding on to guilt and shame of your own, that can inadvertently pass to your children without you even realizing it. Get help. It’s worth it. I would love to be there to support you in your journey if you ever want to reach out.
As usual, thanks for taking the time to read my musings.