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Single life

Am I destined to be single for the rest of my days? Finding someone at my age seems impossible, especially in the age of online dating. I’m kind of over the apps at this point. They feel like such a waste of time, and you have to weed through so many unavailable, unresponsive, or just plain rude and vulgar men to even get to a good conversation or a meet up in person with a real dude. From there, I seem to somehow end up with felons or people who have been in jail, at least that seems to be my pattern recently. Lol. It’s made for some funny stories, but also kind of depressing. I will admit, I’m picky. I’m content being single, I’m financially stable, I can take care of myself, and right now my kids come first. But I have to believe that there is somebody out there that would appreciate what I’m looking for in a relationship and be a good fit. Part of me loves being single, I sleep so good at night in my giant bed with no one snoring next to me, but I miss companionship, and I wish I h...
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A strange and sad coincidence

Two years ago, on Memorial Day weekend I found out my dad had cancer. Three weeks and a day later, he was gone. Yesterday, his long time caretaker on the property (who had left briefly right before my dad got sick, but came back after he passed and has been taking care of the property for the last two years in his absence), passed away, three weeks and a couple days after being diagnosed with liver cancer. He was only 62. The timing and similarities have brought back waves of emotion from my dad passing, as well as sadness that this man had no family or friends other than my dad and the people he met through him over the years. Two of those people stepped in and helped care for him, and sit with him during his final days, and for that we are so thankful. I am also thankful that hospice was able to get involved quickly, and the process to get him on Medicaid went much smoother than anticipated. The state should pay for most of his medical bills and funeral home expenses. However, this l...
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National Park Road Trip - Final Day

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It’s our last morning waking up on the road together. Kenton and I have had so much fun. Last night he said he didn’t want the trip to end. To be honest, I don’t either, but I do miss the girls and am excited to see them tonight. For the time being though, we are going to enjoy one more day of vacation. We made it to Prineville last night, after a grand total of 11 hours and 40 minutes of driving yesterday.  We left the Bonneville Salt Flats in Wendover, Utah after sunrise and drove to a cool public sunstone collection area in remote southern Oregon, a beautiful part of the state that I haven’t experienced in my 20+ years living here. It was the first time on this trip that we truly lost cell phone reception for a long period of time and had to navigate with a paper map picked up at a gas station.  Remember the days of the big road atlas and AAA printed trip guides? It probably wouldn’t be a bad idea to carry an actual map with me on trips like this, but Google maps and GPS su...
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Excitement and Anticipation

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Sometimes for me, looking forward to things can be almost as fun as the actual experience itself. Kenton and I are heading out next week for a fun summer road trip. We’re driving from Oregon to Durango, Colorado to visit my aunt and uncle, stopping in Boise along the way to visit another friend of the family. Kenton has his free National Park pass for just finishing fourth grade, so we’re planning to hit up as many national parks and monuments as we can during our time on the road.  We are definitely stopping in Arches and we’ll do Mesa Verde since it’s only about 45 minutes from my Aunt and Uncle‘s house, but the rest is up in the air, and I kind of like it that way. It’s a little overwhelming for me to plan out a trip on a day by day or hour by our basis. I like to plan a general route and have a few things in mind, but one of my favorite things to do when out exploring on the road is just to wake up in the morning and use Google maps to search for interesting things nearby. So i...
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Does my mom have Borderline Personality Disorder

I wrote this post over five years ago. I'm finally feeling brave enough to share it. I believe there is power in knowing we are not alone. I felt very alone for a long time, ashamed of my feelings - which only made the feelings multiply. Without therapy, I might not have ever realized that my feelings were normal and they did not make me a bad person or an ungrateful daughter. My hope is that in sharing parts of my story publicly, I can help someone else feel not so alone; That by reading my story, someone else might find the freedom to seek therapy, to talk to a trusted person about their past, and to ultimately find the healing and forgiveness that I have found. For years I struggled with immense guilt and shame over not wanting to have a relationship with my mother. I saw a therapist for almost 5 years – mostly to work through the issues surrounding my own divorce.  However, my therapist suggested that I do some research on children raised by parents (specifically mothers) with...
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It’s hard to like myself

Okay, time for another deep, vulnerable moment… but one I hope that some of you can relate to so I don’t feel so alone. It’s hard for me to like myself. What I mean by that is that somehow I grew up with no self confidence and almost a fear that if I let who I really am show, people won’t like me.  I remember in middle school wanting to color my hair and be different, in hindsight I think I was trying to be myself or find myself, but my parents wouldn’t let me. My mom constantly focused on what other people would think instead of letting me be me. She was also very critical of herself so I grew up hearing her talk about how fat she was (when in all reality she was never overweight that I can remember.)  But that was my standard that I grew up with so as soon as I went through puberty and my hips grew, I felt like I was fat too. Even in my 30’s when I got to my Weight Watchers goal weight I still struggled to not see myself as fat and unattractive.  It’s not all about phys...
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Inheriting More Than Land: The Unexpected Responsibility of a Caretaker’s Final Days

I wonder how many are dying alone, without the support of friends or loved ones ? Sometimes you know things are happening but until they impact your life personally, it’s easier to ignore and not think about. That is the situation that my sister and I find ourselves in with the caretaker of my dad’s property in North Idaho. Let me go back and fill you in, in case you aren’t familiar with the situation. Almost exactly 2 years ago my dad passed away abruptly from esophageal cancer, and we inherited his 25 acres in rural North Idaho. There had been a caretaker on his property for many many years who had actually just recently left when my dad got sick, but sadly the property he had moved onto was also owned by someone with recently diagnosed terminal cancer so he agreed to come back to my dad’s property and continue with the caretaking after my dad passed. It was truly a blessing and allowed my sister and I to continue operating his Airbnb, and even turn his primary residence into another...
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