March 20th, 2018

(I wrote this a month ago, but I’m just now finally brave enough to share it here. If you comment, please be kind.)

I’ve probably taken 25 flights over the last year or so, and every time up until now I’ve thought that things would be better if the plane I was on just crashed, and I died, and Rob could collect the insurance money and hire a nice nanny to care for the kids and I could just go to heaven and be with Jesus instead of having to go through all the pain and hurt that comes with getting divorced.

I know that this is completely selfish of me, and I would have never done anything to intentionally end my own life and leave my kids without a mother, but I honestly felt that death was the only way out of the situation I was in. I was not strong enough to leave my marriage, but it had become quite apparent that I was not strong enough to stay either. 

Today I took off on an airplane, on one last solo trip before I become a single mom, and for the first time in over a year, I didn’t pray that the plane would crash. I’m almost crying right now as I type this. Admitting how unhealthy I’ve been is hard, and embarrassing, and humbling, but I’m hoping it can also bring freedom from the bondage I’ve lived under for far to long now.

First of all, I want to say that Rob is not a bad person. I love him very much and one of the hardest parts about finally choosing separation is knowing that I am hurting someone that I love. And not just him, I know this will be hard for the kids too, and that even many of you reading this will hurt for us, for the pain that divorce brings, not just to those who are in the midst of it, but for all those around who love us and have become our family over the years. 

I don’t want my reasons for leaving the marriage to be about what he did or didn’t do. I know that he tried his very best to make things work, and I hope he knows that I did the same. I fought for our marriage until there was literally nothing left in me to fight with. I gave my all, and in the process, I lost myself.  When people say they had a crisis of identity, I get it now. It happened to me. And it was not a pretty sight folks, let me tell you. 

I think that it was a blessing in a way that it happened so far away from home... in a foreign country where hardly anyone knew me, and even the people that did know me didn’t really understand who I was or what I was going through because of the language barrier. 

And I’m not gonna lie, if you’re gonna have an identity crisis, there’s really no better place to do it than on the beaches of some tropical location, where the cost of living is such that you don’t have to cook or clean because you can afford to hire help, it’s sunny almost every day, and the ocean is only a 5 minute walk from your front door. 

But despite the beaches and the sunshine and all the amazing adventures and blessings I’ve shared on social media during our time in Mexico, it has been a very dark season in my life. 

The one thing I can say for certain right now is that there really are some things that you can only learn in the dark. And even in those darkest of times, God never left me. He never gave up on me. He never walked away and left me alone. I might have ignored His advice at times, but even then, He would welcome me back with open arms. 

He is the only reason that I am alive today. He saved me in my early 20’s before I really even knew who He was, and now he has saved me all over again - from a dark, dark world that tried to steal me away. I’m sure as time goes on, I’ll open up more and talk about what these last couple years have been like. Elevation worship and the preaching and teaching of Steven Furtick has played a huge role in bringing me out of the darkness. For months and months, almost every morning I would put my headphones in, turn on my Elevation Worship station on Amazon Music and walk the loop around Cerro del Vigía, the hill I lived on in Mazatlán, Mexico. At night I would pull up his sermons on YouTube and fall asleep listening to his messages. 

It’s hard to share your story with the world when you are in the midst of a battle. But I always knew that when I finally emerged from the “valley of the shadow of death” I would have a powerful story to tell. This chapter is just the beginning. I know I’m not out of the woods yet, but I know that it’s coming. Breakthrough and freedom are right on the horizon. I can see clearly again, and I can feel the refreshing breeze of hope beginning to wash over me.

This video I made is my best attempt to share that feeling with you. And to have a sort of memorial to look back on and remember the goodness of the Lord. How he walked with me through all the heartache, the mistakes, the anger, the unforgiveness. He saw it all and He still loved me, He still wanted me. 

Seriously... I’m in awe at how great His love is for us! 

Thank you to everyone who has prayed for us, supported us, loved on us, even came to visit us while we were in Mazatlán. I hope you can continue to lift us up in prayer as we go through this difficult transition in our family. 

Elevation Church has given me permission to use their music and share this video. My hope is that it can minister to you like it has for me.