An open letter to divorced and separated dads

Dear Dads,

I know divorce and separation are hard! Maybe even harder for you at times since you will most likely be giving up more time with your kids than their mom will, especially if you were the bread winner and she was the stay at home caregiver. 

I know that strife between the two of you might make you want to give up and not fight for time with your kids. I urge you not to give up, if at all possible. 

My mom left my dad when I was 12 years old. She left me and my 10 year old sister with our dad and moved half way across the country. Nine months later, in the heat of an agrument with my dad, I asked to go live with her. Despite her mental instability and poor parenting choices, my dad allowed me to move half way across the country to live with her. I'm sure he thought he was making the best decision for me. He didn't want to fight with my mom. He didn't want to fight with me. So he let me go. And then he never fought to get me back. And that has had a lasting impact on my development and sense of security over the years. 

My dad didn't abandon me. He was a good man, a good dad, a wonderful human and friend to many. But to me in my childhood mind, he abandoned me. He let me go and then he didn't protect me or try to get me back while I was neglected and abused under the "care" of my mother. 

I can see things from his side now. Now that I am a parent myself and have gone through a separation. Thankfully I never had to fight about anything with my ex. We have always managed to behave maturely and put the best interest of the kids ahead of our own. Both of us have made hard choices and sacrifices in order to stay close to our kids and not create a scenario where they can not see each of us regularly. 

Kids need both their parents, if at all possible. I know it can be hard when your ex is being unreasonable or just plain mean. Maybe she wants to move far away herself, or have your kids 100% of the time to "punish" you. This is not okay. If you love your kids and want to be present in their lives, fight for them. Growing up through my teenage years without a father figure has had lasting impacts. 

Without the love and influence of a male father figure, I turned to boys, booze, and drugs to satisfy a void that I didn't even realize was there. In doing that, I opened myself up to abuse and mistreatment at the hands of men. Still to this day, I have trust issues with men and I have a hard time forming platonic friendships with men (and women to be honest) because I have been mistreated and abused by so many people in my past. 

As a 13, 14, 15 year old child, I chose to experiment with drugs, drink alcohol and smoke cigarettes, and participate in sexually promiscuous behavior in order to numb a wound and fill a void that was left by the lack of love and attention I received from my parents. 

My mom was present physically but was mentally incapable of parenting me in a loving way, and due to her decision to move so far away from my dad, I grew up feeling abandoned by him, even though it was never his choice to have his wife leave him and move thousands of miles away. 

It was his choice to let me move across the country to be with her, and again for years and years I felt abandoned by him. It was only through my own healing and growth, self reflection, becoming a parent myself, and therapy that I was able to recognize that he wasn't to blame.

So my cautionary tale to you is that even if you are not to blame... even if your ex left you, and is unwell or unstable, don't give up! Fight for your kids. They will appreciate you for it later. There might have been a few rough teenage years with me if my dad hadn't let me move to Missouri with my mom, but I think in the long run, I would have escaped adolescence with a lot less trauma.

My younger sister chose to stay with my dad. She graduated from high school, while I dropped out in 10th grade. She may have experimented with a little marijauna in high school but to my knowledge she has never used hard drugs or smoked cigarettes. She of course had her own struggles growing up without a mom, so if you are a mom reading this, take care of yourself first, so that you can be an emotionally stable and available role model to your kids.

Moms and Dads, fight for time with your kids. If you need to get healthy or sober first, make that a priority, and then fight for your kids. They need you more than you realize. 

Even though my ex-husband and I coparent our 3 children well together, I do have a small idea of how it feels to deal with an unreasonable coparent.

Seven years ago, before my ex and I got divorced, we had the opportunity to move to Mexico for a couple of years and immerse our kids in the Spanish language and culture. We had a dog at the time, Penny, and some friends of ours were willing to adopt her while we were gone. 

We told them that if they fell in love with her and she became part of their family, we wouldn't ask for her back when we returned. However, we wanted (and verbally agreed on) first right of visitation and caretaking so that we could still have a relationship with our baby, Penny Poo's.

The family that adopted her did fall in love with her and she actually helped my friend and her kids through a difficult divorce. For 5 years after we returned from Mexico, we had a good "co-parenting relationship" for the sake of the dog. We would get to see her when her family went out of town on vacation, and when her mom worked long shifts at the hospital, we would gladly have her at our house so she wouldn't be home alone for 12+ hours at a time. 

We loved the arrangement. Then Penny got sick. We asked if we could see her. We asked if we could have her during the times when her "other mom" was working. It was while my dad was dying of cancer and I expressed that I could use an "emotional support animal" in addition to the fact that the kids missed her dearly, especially my oldest.

Those of you who know Penny know how absolutely sweet she can be and she would have been such a comfort to have during that very difficult time. But instead of letting us spend time with the dog that use to be ours, the dog that I thought we "shared custody" of in a way, she was having Penny go to her ex boyfriends house while she worked. The same ex boyfriend who had lied, cheated, stalked, been verbally abusive, and had the cops called on him. He had a criminal record of domestic violence and was only allowed to see his own son with supervision. 

Myself and especially my 14 year old daughter at the time, who missed Penny the most, were disappointed to learn that instead of allowing us to spend time with the dog that use to be ours, that we had been asking to see, she was going to someone's house that honestly doesn't seem like a very good person. 

I know this is just a dog we are talking about, but I also know some of you have to experience this same situation with your kids. I can't imagine having to send my kids to a home where I knew that an abusive man would be in the presence of my kids, possibly at times being their primary care giver. 

It really opened my eyes to what this must feel like to some of you, and I empathize with you. To add to that, when we expressed our sadness over not being able to see Penny, it was met with defensiveness, attacks and the ultimatum from Penny's new mom that I should not contact her to try to see Penny unless I was willing to also have a relationship with her.

I wonder if she realizes the audacity and immaturity of this statement. You can’t spend time with a pet (or child) that you love, unless you are willing to have a relationship with their parent?

Yet this is what many parents do with their kids. “If you can't be nice to me, if you can't do what I want, if you aren't going to be my friend, then you can't see your kids” (or in this situation, dog.) 

It is not the kids’ fault, or in this case it was not Penny’s fault that her old caregiver and new caregiver were no longer friends.

If this had been my child, obviously I would have fought for her. But I don’t like fighting, I don’t like drama. The older I get, I just want to live a peaceful life. 

I apologized to Penny's mom for the things I said that had offended and upset her (that we were sad that Penny was going to the ex-boyfriends house instead of with us while she was working), I expressed our love for Penny, and let her know that we were always available should she need a loving home or caretaker for vacation. 

That was over a year ago. We haven’t seen Penny or heard from her new family in that time and while the situation is very sad, especially to my kids, there is not a lot I can do. I always try to see the silver lining in situations and this has given me a great deal of empathy and insight into what it feels like to have to coparent with a toxic or unhealthy individual.

My heart goes out to you, but please, keep fighting for your kids. They need you! Especially if your co-parent is manipulative or controlling. Don’t give up. 

If you ever need encouragement or someone to pray with you, I’m here 💕