Family Strife

Family dynamics have never been wonderful in my biological family. If you know me or have spent any time reading my blog, that probably doesn’t come as a surprise.

My analytical brain, along with my degree in psychology and my fascination with human behavior keeps me speculating about the causes and reasons for the discord. 

One thing I was struggling with and working through with my dad in therapy before he passed was the feeling that I wasn’t good enough, that he assumed the worst about me and couldn’t seem to see my good intentions. 

We were trying to create space on his property so there could be room for all of us to gather together comfortably. Instead of receiving that as a loving gesture, he felt attacked and made the assumption and comments on many occasions that our intentions weren’t about spending time with him, rather we were insulting his lifestyle by wanting to create a space that was comfortable for our family and our standard of living. (We don’t like rodents in the house, especially when they leave their droppings on the kitchen surfaces every night and make creepy scratching noises in the walls and ceilings.) 

We also wanted the property to make money when no one was using it, to help cover the expenses because unfortunately right now, I can’t afford a vacation home, but he saw that as a negative also, that we were just out for money instead of trying to find creative ways to make the property self-sustaining (which was actually an expressed goal of his.)

I’m thankful that he was willing to go to therapy with me and I do feel that our therapist was able to help him understand that my intentions were good and came from a place of love. But for years it didn’t feel good to be misunderstood. 

With my mom, I have made the choice that my mental health is more important than people pleasing. If at any point she is willing to seek therapy and work on our relationships with a professional, I am available. But in the meantime, my life is so much healthier with boundaries in place that involve no contact with her unless it has to do with spending time with the grandkids (which she has made an effort to do twice in the last 6 years.)  

She took that choice of mine, and in her world made it out to be an attack on her personally. She would go out of her way to send me messages about how much my decision was hurting her. I imagine she probably shared this mindset with my sister and dad, and my dad did look down on me for my decision to not have a relationship with her. It felt like they all assumed the worst. Shay is such a bitch, she needs to forgive her mom and just let it go, she’s hurting her mom and it’s her responsibility to fix the relationship. 

I wish that they could have chosen to believe that I had the best intentions for me and my family. I wasn’t out to hurt her, but it’s very unhealthy to put other people’s feelings as a higher priority than our own. Her behavior and actions are unhealthy, hurtful, and at times abusive. It’s unfortunate that it took me almost 40 years to realize that her issues are not my fault, and that it’s not my responsibility to ensure she feels good. 

But it took me many, many hours of therapy to come to that conclusion and let go of the guilt I had stored up inside. 

I am a good person. I have a kind heart. I go out of my way to help people. I want what’s best for my family and will work hard to provide for them. The decisions I make come from a place of self-reflection and doing what is best for my mental and physical health and the health of my kids.

My life is better when I assume that those around me have good intentions. When I choose to believe the best about people, I feel better and my relationships improve. It’s so easy to take offense, easy to assume the worst, especially if it’s an area we are already insecure about. 

I can honestly say that at this point in my life, I never set out to hurt anyone. I never think, I’m going to say or do this thing so that someone else feels bad. If you really spend some time in self reflection, maybe you would come to the same conclusion.

(If you are doing things to purposely hurt others, I would encourage you to seek help from a therapist. Usually hurting others comes from deep wounds and hurts within ourselves, but healing and change is possible.) 

But it’s so easy to get offended by a text, an email, an offhanded comment, and assume that the person who said it was meaning to insult us or hurt us. 

It can be a natural response when that happens to lash out at the person in retaliation, which usually doesn’t feel good to either party. Maybe you don’t respond to the person in a defensive manner, instead you decide to talk to your friends about what happened and portray the person in a negative light. Neither are healthy responses. 

Family dynamics are tough. Friendships can be tough. Both take work if they are worth keeping. My advise: try to assume that the ones you love (and even the ones you don’t) have good intentions and are not out to hurt you or offend you intentionally.

What are your thoughts? Can you think of a time when you assumed the worst intentions in someone close to you instead of trying to assume the best? Let’s try to change that by making a conscious decision to put down offenses and assume the best in people. After all, that’s what we would want I return, isn’t it?