Anniversary of my Dad's diagnosis

Anniversaries help us to remember and acknowledge things in the past. They might not always be happy memories, but I do believe that remembering and reflecting is important.

It was a year ago this Memorial Day that I found out my dad had cancer. Three weeks later he was gone. 

These pictures were all taken about 2 years ago. We had no idea then that these would be the last memories with Grandpa. 

I’ve wanted to write about his passing for some time now, but I just wasn’t ready until now. 

His death has been hard for me to process in a lot of ways. I know death is never easy, and cancer can be a horrible way to die, so I don’t fault my dad for his decision.

What I do wish in hindsight is that it wasn’t illegal in Idaho to end your own life, in cases of terminal illness. That’s the choice my dad made, rather abruptly in my opinion and like all grieving children I would have given anything to have more time with him. But I think he was afraid. I think he was afraid that he would become too sick or be surrounded by too many people to carry out his plan. And he always said he wanted to work until he died. He did not want to end up in a hospital or nursing home. He wanted to live out his last days on his own land that he had nurtured and cared for for over half a century.

He had eluded to all of this in previous discussions but when it came time to actually act, he didn’t feel like he could talk to anyone about it. I think that was to protect us, because after he did the deed, we obviously had to call the police to report the death and they spent hours questioning those of us who were on the property when it happened and even friends who weren’t there when it happened, but were there later grieving with us when the police arrived. 

The police, and eventually the coroner were as kind and compassionate as their jobs would allow them to be, but sitting in a police car in the rain while my dad’s death was investigated… well, it made me realize how flawed our legal system can be. He left a voice recording on his phone clearly stating his decision to end his life, and that no one had assisted him with any part of it. Yet still, they had to question all of us and I had to play that recording at least 3 times to different people that afternoon.

My dad was diagnosed with a terminal illness and had a matter of months left to live. Here in Oregon, we have the Death with Dignity Act.

DEATH WITH DIGNITY—OREGON'S ASSISTED SUICIDE LAW

The Death with Dignity Act (ORS §§ 127.800 to 127.897) allows terminally ill Oregon residents to obtain and use prescriptions from their physicians for self-administered, lethal medications. Under the Act, ending one's life in accordance with the law does not constitute suicide. However, the law is referred to as “physician-assisted suicide” because it allows people to end their lives through the voluntary self-administration of lethal medications prescribed by a physician for that purpose. 

I wish my dad could have had this as an option. I wish he hadn’t needed to feel rushed or secretive. I wish he didn’t have to do it alone (although he  did have his loyal companion by his side so he wasn’t completely alone.)

x

No one should have to find their loved one with a bag over their head, suffocated to death, alone, because what they were doing, choosing to end their life with dignity on their own terms, was considered illegal in the state they reside. 

I don’t usually speak out about controversial subjects like this, but after the experience I have had with my dad’s passing, I will gladly advocate for ALL states to allow terminally ill individuals to die with dignity.
We were not meant to die from cancer. I fully believe cancer is a disease created by man, and it honestly makes me sick to think about how many products are marketed and sold to us every single day that are probably full of cancer causing ingredients, killing our bodies slowly from the inside. 
I won’t go into details about how esophageal cancer kills you, how eventually you can’t eat solid food or even swallow your pain medication. I don’t think anyone should be forced to suffer through that.
And then there’s the financial side of things. My dad has never had health insurance his entire life, until recently when he was old enough to get on Medicare. But even with Medicare, the couple of tests that he had the month before he died to diagnose the cancer were billed to him at hundreds of dollars each. He didn’t have much money and I think he was also worried that his medical expenses could cause him to lose his property, since that was basically his only asset.
It’s obviously just a very sad situation all around. One that I can’t change, and one that could have honestly been much harder had he not made that choice. I just wish he could have made the choice with the help of doctors, friends, and family and that he could have just taken some pills and passed peacefully instead of how it actually all went down. It would have been a lot less traumatic.
I love you Dad and I’m glad you aren’t suffering anymore. We miss you 💕